Ending Your Communication Before it Has a Chance to Begin – How to Avoid This in 4 Easy Steps

One of the key ways to shut down effective communication with your spouse is by a ‘harsh start-up’. A harsh start-up, as it’s name suggests, is simply beginning the conversation in an angry and negative way. This can involve the use of accusations (“You always do…”), or contempt (“I can’t believe you did this..”). When you begin a conversation with a harsh start-up, then there is next to no chance of effective and constructive communication.

The Steps

This article will show you why harsh start-ups occur, and explain how you can avoid using a harsh start-up in your conversation.

Step 1: Remove yourself from your spouse

A harsh start-up usually begins when you are angry or frustrated at something your spouse has done. They may have forgotten to clean the kitchen, again. They may have come home late from work, again. And so you get upset. You get angry. You want to confront your spouse, and tell them that it’s not ok for them to be doing what they’re doing. But as I said above, if you begin the conversation with a harsh start-up, then the conversation is over before it has even begun. And so you’ve got to avoid this at all costs (if you want effective and constructive communication with your spouse!!).

At times like this, its helpful to remove yourself from your spouse, otherwise you might not be able to hold back from doing a harsh start-up.

Step 2: Relax by deep breathing

Once you’ve removed yourself from your spouse, you need to calm down. The best way to do this is by taking a few slow, deep breaths. Breathe in deeply. Hold it in it for a few seconds. Then exhale slowly. Do this at least 3 times, until you feel in control of your temper.

Step 3: Work out what you’re going to say

Now that you’ve calmed down, and are not going to lose your temper at your spouse, it’s time to work out what you’re going to say, and how you’re going to say it. The words you use, and the way that you say it, will determine whether or not your communication is going to be effective. So here’s a few tips:

When telling your spouse what they did wrong, avoid statements such as “you never..” or “you always…”. Not only are such statements exaggerations, they cause your spouse to get defensive.

Instead of accusing your spouse of wrongdoing, turn it into an “I” statement. Make it about you, not them. For example, instead of saying: “you didn’t take the rubbish out, again”, say: “Honey, I find it frustrating when you don’t take the rubbish out like you promised. It makes me feel like you don’t care about our family”. Describe how you’re feeling about their wrongdoing: this way they don’t feel so attacked.

Step 4: Begin your conversation on a positive note

At this point you’re somewhat calm, and have worked out how to confront your spouse. However, it doesn’t hurt to begin the conversation with something you appreciate about them. And then, (and only then), gently raise the concern. For example, “Honey, I appreciate the way you work so hard to feed our family. It really makes me feel loved. However, there is a concern I want to raise with you”. At this point, they should be more open to hearing from you. You can then continue with your pre-planned speech: “I find it a little frustrating when you don’t take out the rubbish out like you promised…”. While your spouse may get a little defensive, depending on their mood etc, chances are they’ll take on board what you’ve said, if it’s a fair criticism.

In Conclusion

By following the steps in this article, you’ll avoid the destructive harsh start-ups that are so common in marriages, and have a much better chance of maintaining good, open communication with your spouse.